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To Book The Band
23/06/2004 A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retire and fall asleep quickly. He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower bunk. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. 20/04/2004 Three women where chatting about their sex lives with their husbands. First woman: My husband Pete loves me giving him a blow job but the strange thing is, when I'm doing it his balls get freezing cold. Second woman: That's really strange when I give my husband Mark a blow job I've found the same thing. Third woman: What's a blow job? The other two suprised at this lack of worldliness from their friend, set about describing the details of the perfect blow job. The third woman vows to try it out on her husband that night. They agree to meet the next day for coffee to see how she got on. To their suprise and horror she arrives with a huge black eye. What happened? Did you give him a blow job? Yes she replied, he seemed to be enjoying it then he hit me. Well what did you do wrong? they asked. Nothing I did it exactly as you described it. I was giving him a blow job and we were both enjoying it and I said this is really nice your balls are nice and hot Pete and Marks are always cold........ 12/02/2004 Tarzan & Jane When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong .. but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan checking for squirrel." 28/11/2003 What do you call a welsh man with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? ............bisexual. Donated by Callum Terry-Short Two blonds walk into a building...... You would have thought one of them would have seen it! 05/11/2003 What do musicians call perfect pitch. When they get the drummer and his kit into the skip in one throw. 18/09/2003 Two Dyslexics in a house One says to the other Can you smell Gas? The other chap says Piss off I can’t even smell My own Name 01/07/2003 I read in the papers yesterday about The dangers of alcohol It scared the shit out of me When I woke up this morning I thought F—K that I’m never going to read a paper again 20/05/20003 Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo checking out the animals. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla had a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. They stand and watch him for half an hour. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..... 11/05/2003 Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?", He squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?", he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, woke everyone in the house, made the coffee, unloaded the dishwasher from last night, put everything away, who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, set the damn table, put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this o n e. . . . m o r e. . . t i m e. "I HAVEN'T MADE THE F---ING PORRIDGE YET ! ! 17/02/2003 Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny...At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes .... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses " 15/02/2003 A couple of Arials were getting married... The wedding was crap but the reception was amazing. Courtesy of Chris Bryant (Jack's guitarist) 31/01/2003 A funeral was taking place of an eminent heart surgeon. The church was packed with loving friends and collegues, creating a very emotional atmosphere. No expense had been spared and there was a huge heart behind the cofin made with hundreds of red roses. As the last speech was given and his favourite piece of music came on the coffin started to roll slowly towards the curtains, the heart of red roses started to pulsate then opened up allowing the coffin to glide inside and disappear through the curtains. This just completely moved everyone to tears. Two of his close collegues were at the back one was holding a lump in his throat at the loss of his friend, the other was nearly wetting himself with laughter. He was asked "what the hell are you laughing about he was one of your closest friends" To which he replied "I couldn't help it I was just thinking about my funeral". "So!" his friend replied "I don't see your point". The point is I'm a gynaecologist!! 17/01/2003 A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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